Total Control

These past couple of weeks I've been feeling different. It's hard to describe, but the best I can come up with is numb. Spiritually, I've been growing, not as much as usual, but still growing. Everything else, no motivation. I haven't worked out, Saturday I barely wanted to rock climb, I've been completely unsocial, and work is just boring.

After some heavy praying, I've come up with 2 conclusions to this numbness. Number one, I'm angry. Angry that I hear all of these missionaries just going, and being able to experience the desires of their hearts as missionaries. No, I'm not angry at them, I'm angry at God because He keeps telling me "Not yet". I'm bitter, and I don't know how to give that up. My heart-cry is Taiwan, and I feel so numb in Bakersfield.

Number two, I'm not letting God control every area of my life. I've given control to Him over my finances, my job, and my worldly possesses. But I can't seem to give up control of my time. I haven't been spending the amount of time with God as I use to. I'm not managing my time right. I've been sleeping more, but I'm even more tired. My soul is restless, because it wants time with Abba, and I'm not doing it.

Pray God reignites my passion for His presence, and I stand firm wherever He has placed me, even though it's not where I particularly want to be...