Times of Struggle = Times of Trust

Well, the past few weeks have been a struggle for me. Not only spiritually, but financially and everything in between. Driving back from Seqouia Sunday night I was talking with God and I realized some things. I hate my job, Bakersfield, and my passions are not being fulfilled. I was driving away from something I loved, the outdoors with camping, hiking & flyfishing, and driving towards a life I sometimes feel is meaningless right now. I realized I was frustrated with life, and not being where I wanted to be. I started telling Abba about how it wasn't fair that all of my missionary friends were in the mission fields, and I'm 'stuck' in a town I can't stand.

I remember exactly what I said to God.

Why do I have to be in this stupid town, in this stupid preparation time that is lasting years, while all of my friend's prep times were short, and they were exactly where they wanted to be?

God was silent for only a second. He then started putting men of the bible in my thoughts that had to wait YEARS before they even started their ministry. David had to wait at least 13 years from the time he was told he was going to be Israel's king as a young man until he was crowded. Moses was 80 when he started his mission of leading the Israelites out of Egypt. Even Jesus waited until he was 30 before he started his ministry. God reminded me that with a great calling, there's a great preparation time.

When I got home Sunday the brakes on the Limiero's car were squeaking, and the MP3 tape device got stuck in the tape player. I took the player apart and removed the tape, but the tape function doesn't work any more. Yesterday I lost my personal keys at work. I couldn't remember where I had them last. I had traveled all over San Joaquin valley for work. I ended up traveling back to Midway and Kern River, but still couldn't find them. On my drive back from Midway at 9pm I got so angry with myself. My past was full of drug and alcohol use, and my memory suffered from it. I tend to forget the small things, nothing important.

I hated myself so much for losing my keys and not being able to remember the last time I had them. It's quite frustrating indeed. I've been praying for years for God to restore my memory, but it hasn't happened yet. I forced myself to abandon that hatred last night and I just let it go to God. Peace fell over, and I just stopped stressing over my keys. Jonathan is out of time, and therefore I had no way into my apartment, and I had to leave the Limiero's car in the Chevron HQ parking lot. I drove my work vehicle home, and was able to get a hold of my landlord and she gave me a spare key to get into the apartment. This morning I emailed a person at Midway to see if they found my keys, and sure enough, she had them on her desk.

The chapter I'm in right now has been a struggle on many battle fronts. I've learned that if I just TRUST God I will never fall. Pslams 37 is a good reminder of how the righteous will never be forgotten by God. He's teaching me trust, and I'm hardheaded, so this may take some time :P

In Moderation

Recently, I've been spending a lot of time on Facebook, and not even realizing it. I had the social networking app on my phone, with text messages coming to my phone whenever close friends posted anything on Facebook. I had it bookmarked on my Mac, and my Firefox history was screaming Facebook all over it. I was even spending time on it at work!

Today, God confronted me about this social media addiction. Sure, Facebook, like most other things is great in moderation, but I was straight up addicted. I had to walk away, at least for some time. So, as of today, I deleted my Facebook account. It may sound silly, but it's going to be tough for the first few weeks to not wake up and check Facebook on my mobile first thing. I'm giving it at try, and hopefully this will motivate me to spend more time with my Father, and less time commenting on a post about what my friend ate for lunch.

Don't worry, friends & family. I'm not going through some weird depression of acceptance or anything like that. I'm doing good, and I want to be great by spending more time with God, my Abba. First was getting rid of cable TV. Now, its my addiction to Facebook. Pray I stay strong :)

Blessings...

For Those Looking For My Message

If you're having difficulty downloading the message I did at Life Journey Christian Church, go to my MediaFire link by clicking on the button below. Sorry for the issue. It's a 90MB file, so be a little patient when downloading it :) Blessings. FYI...This is the raw version. This means that there is no editing of the audio. Sorry if it gets too loud, quite, or other issues with it.

Mission of Mine

My church, Life Journey Christian Church, just finished a series called "Mission of Mine". The whole series focused not only on the missionaries/organizations that LJCC sponsors, but also on how the church family in a whole is in their own missionary mission. Halfway through the series, I was approached by my pastor, David Limiero, to see if I was willing to teach.

At first, honestly, I was shocked. I never thought I would be asked to speak at my own church. I told David I would pray about it. Maybe a few minutes later I told David "Yes". I spoke about my testimony, my missionary works, and the vision for my missionary future. I spoke at both services on 6/26/2011 at 8:30am & 10:30am. I've spoken at countless churches, mostly in India and Taiwan. This was first time I was completely exhausted afterwards.

Below is the iTunes link to my church's podcast. There, you can download our weekly services for FREE. If you'd like to download my podcast, the title is "Mission Of Mine: Chris Joy", and the date is 6/25/11.

New Chapter Ahead

For the past year it has felt like I've been in a constant single chapter of my life. In many ways it has. Usually, at least for me, chapters didn't last more than a few months. Spending time in Sequoia this past weekend, in the presence of God's beauty, I found out a few things about the next upcoming chapter of this book I call life.

First, God is pulling some major junk out I had somehow pushed deep into the back of my heart. I got reminded that I still struggle with acceptance. I have this very real fear of never getting married, simply because I have let the enemy implant the thought of unworthiness in my mind. Because of my past, I really struggle with the idea of being a father and husband. I got the opportunity to spend time with my pastor and his wife about this fear, and really brought clarity to my eyes. Thanks guys.

Second, I really want to spend more time in nature. Whether it be rock climbing, camping, hiking, kayaking, or snowboarding. Because I've been working out some much these past few months, I have more stamina, and I can now do things I never thought I could before.

Finally, I need to learn more discipline in my walk with Christ. I tend to focus more on the struggles/stress of the day, rather than giving it all the God. I'm far better at controlling my stress and emotions than ever before, but I still need to work on it. Fortunately, I have great friends, and an amazing church to help. They not only show me where I need growth, but they always show love through it all. Definitely blessed.

Theresa Dehnert: Mom, Hero, Forgiven

Like everyone in this world, old, young, Asian, European, American, African, etc, I have a hero. But what many may not know is that hero of mine is my mother. Strange, maybe. Impossible, absolutely not. You see, my mom always wanted the best for me. She knew where I would end up if she wouldn't have given me up for adoption. She could see my future. Deep down she knew I would grow up to be the man I am today. God fearing, passionate, loving, and crazy for Christ. That is why she is my hero.

My mom had to fight for her life, because she herself was an orphan. She grew up in a good home, but always seemed to be the black sheep of the family, and therefore she was rebellious. She wanted to be loved. Even though she grew up Catholic, she never experienced God's love, because religion was masking Him.

Around the time I came to Christ, when I was at the bottom of my well, I needed to forgive my mother, or I would of never known what true forgiveness was. It was tough. I hated her for leaving me, and for all the junk she made me go through. But I eventually learned to forgive her. Not only did I forgive her, but I forgot all the negative things. It was hard for her to forgive herself for giving me up, but through God's wisdom, love, and mercy, she learned.

I still remember that summer night back in 2005, sitting in my car in a movie theater parking lot, friends waiting for me inside. I decided to call my mom, and see how she was doing. The second she picked up the phone, the Holy Spirit swept over me and told me to pray for her. I asked her if she was OK, and she told me about the issues she was having. I don't quite remember what else we talked about, but I do remember telling her for the first time in several years that I loved her. I told her that I forgave her for everything, and I meant it. That night she came to Christ, led by the least likely of people, me.

She still struggles with many things, like us all. And I'm sure she still thinks about that time she promised to be right back and didn't return. But now she knows that God's love destroys the sins of our past, and that I do love her with all of my heart. She fights for our Father is heaven and loves her children & grandchildren with all her heart....

....and that is why she is my hero. I love you mom.

Hands - Give Me Rest

It's been a while since I posted on my blog. Mostly for being busy and/or lazy. Not too often do we Christians that love Metal\Hardcore\Screamo get blessed by a band with pure raw talent with their instruments, vocals, and lyrics. Hands has stepped it up, and brought the Spirit of God on all 3 levels. Here are the lyrics for their newest album "Give Me Rest", which was just released yesterday, July 5, 2011. Enjoy, I know I did :)


Hands - Give Me Rest (Lyrics)

1. I Will
2. Water
3. Cube
4. The Helix
5. Here I Am
6. Jovian
7. Northern Lights
8. 2005
9. Restart
10. Give Me Rest


1.) I Will

Can you feel the anger in my heart? I can't believe this is me. I built my house on shaking ground, and lit a match to watch it burn. Set me free. Rest my soul in you alone. Rise, from the quiet I will rise. Take my hand. Give me the faith to move mountains. Give me the strength to rebuild. Help me become a better man. Help me to understand your will. Let it rain. To remind me that there is something more.


2.) Water

Forgive me for falling out, it's just not the way I see you. Take me to the water. Let there be light! To reveal everything we've become. Take me to the water. I'm losing my faith at the hands of the dynasty. Take me to the water. I just want something real. From the shore, with the sea to my back. I can see a wasteland of blasphemy. Spoiled fruit, reaped from crooked trees. God, are these your seeds? Are these your branches? I'm so disgusted with all of this. I want to recover. Be still my brother. Be still so we may hear His voice. Let there be light. Take me to the water.


3.) Cube

Shut down everything inside that makes it work. All the wires to it's soul, and all the lights that make it glow. Kill the system. I don't want it anymore. Drag me through the fire. It helps keep me awake. The bulbs are blinking, the statics piercing. But it's hard to look away. Let's hit the ground. God damn this place. It's taken everything. Shut it down. Send your best to guard my soul. They will never sleep. They will never leave me alone. Somebody throw the switch, shut it down.


4.) The Helix

I am not alone. Would you clear the dust from my eyes? Would you recognize my voice if I would talk to you? Oh, I feel so tired. So wake me up. I believe your hands hold the sun. But in the deepest of my mind, I question everything you've done. Give me rest. I believe your breath fills my lungs. But it's a thought that's hard to swallow, I feel ashamed I can't hold on. Give me rest. I will take your hand. Just lead me through the dark. I will take your hand. Don't ever let me go. "Be still and know that I am God."


5.) Here I Am

On my knees in the wreckage of a broken church. I couldn't pull it together. How I want to believe that there's a light, at the end of this continuous shadow. And as the feeling disappears, here I am. Are you here? Wake up my son. Wake up my son. Why are you so afraid? Oh God, I'm begging you now! Open up my eyes!


6.) Jovian

Welcome. Light. Come into the light and meet the world. You are beautiful, open your eyes. Open up your eyes to see me here. I will show you the way. I will always be here. In your every hour, in your heart I'll stay. Take rest at the sound of my voice, I'm forever changed. Welcome. Breathe in the breath of life. I've embraced you. In my arms you'll never be alone. I've embraced you. Everything that I am, I give to you. You are all I wanted. You are all I need.


7.) Northern Lights

I found you. And you found me. You gave me a new song. You gave me something to sing. What a beautiful song. You gave me a reason, you gave me something to sing.


8. 2005

Burn this body down. To the ash and the dust, from which it came. I curse within my heart, but sing a holy song. I am a wolf among the sheep. I am calling out your name. I am broken at your feet. Release. Release me. I am bound by the chains of temptation. I am bound by the demons, staring back. Let your mercy rain upon us. Take hold of my soul and put this body in the earth. By your blood I am alive. By your grace I am released.


9.) Restart

I can feel my heart giving in to the weight of your design. And like a remedy your fixing me, while the world has left me blind. I sang for you, and meant what I said. But it's still hard to believe. I was burning my wick at both ends, but no light could be seen. I get frustrated. But I just need to let go. Lift me up (into your arms) and weigh me down. Reach straight into my heart. I've been holding on so long, but I just need to let go.I carried torches from east to west, and watched the flames burn themselves out. Fighting every battle, never trusting that you were on my side. I will fall into your arms and cry, you are God! Lift us up and hear our cry, you are God!


10.) Give Me Rest

Here I sit among the clouds. With nothing but the empty sound. I have seen the light of day. I have seen the water wash the blood away. Is my name in there?Send a smile to my daughter. Tell her everything is fine. And give my wisdom to my brother. Tell him to use it right. And to everyone I've wronged, the thought has never left my mind. You are the end and I am fading. Will I rest with you for all of time? Is my name in there?Give me rest. Tell my wife I adore her. That she is beautiful and kind. Here I sit among the clouds. I was wrong and You were right. Give me rest.